Living with a Transvestite

From a Guest Blogger: Her experience of living with Fetish and Autogynephilic Transvestism. Its not you, its him.

Living with a Transvestite

It is not until now, in middle age, that I am able to express how the experience of living with a transvestite man has affected me.

I was very young when we met. He was a professional musician and was quite a bit older than me. He struck me as very sophisticated and artistic and I believed he was attracted to me.

We began seeing one another seriously and we fairly quickly progressed to a sexual relationship. I fell in love and was blind to the signs that all was not right, which I can see so plainly now. Like the times when a piece of my underwear would somehow be in bed despite me having undressed before getting in to bed. Or like when some of my things began to go missing.

Sex wasn’t brilliant and he began to insist that I wear underwear in bed, especially the girly, frilly stuff. I was puzzled but not overly disturbed. Still, after he had visited me, items of my clothing would be missing.

A few weeks later he invited me to live with him. Before I answered he said he felt there was something I ought to know. He told me that he was ‘interested’ in women’s underwear. Ok, I thought, what hetero man isn’t? I didn’t realise he meant wearing it.

So I moved in with him, still largely unaware of his proclivities and sexual interests. And his violent responses if he didn’t get what he wanted.

I remember that he wanted me to have a different bedroom from him. He said that it was to do with years of living alone and the inability to sleep with anyone near him. I had my own room and found that I was not allowed into his room unless invited. We still had but it was becoming quite infrequent. I felt it odd that so soon in the relationship his sexual interest in me was waning. It was at this time it became clear to me that he was ‘borrowing’ my clothes. Not just underwear but dresses, coats, scarves…anything really. He was taking these things surreptitiously, slyly returning them the exact way he found them. Almost. I began to set little traps in an attempt to prove what he was up to.

I felt unable to confront him over what was, to me, a huge violation. I felt it was somehow a failing in me, that I wasn’t liberal or open-minded enough. I kept trying to be ok about it but it made be very uncomfortable. I began to realise why our sex life had waned, it was because in reality he would rather masturbate that do anything else.

We skirted around the elephant in the room. We travelled abroad on holidays and he would insist on ‘time alone’, which was code for him dressing up in my clothes and masturbating. I once returned to the hotel room earlier than I had planned and he became extremely angry. The angry outbursts became more frequent as I fought to have what I considered a ‘normal’ relationship. In truth, I was afraid of him.

I realised at some point that I had to leave and waited until his job took him to Europe, packed up my stuff, left a note and found a place of my own. But it would take years before the wounds healed. I was young and beautiful then and yet I felt ugly and undesirable. I felt I had failed because I couldn’t be happy with the arrangement. I felt those things for years, always suspicious of any man who seemed interested in my clothes in anyway. I deliberately wore dowdy things and stopped having any interest in my appearance. I hated fashion magazines because to him they were pornography. I hated shopping for clothes because he loved to do that, getting an erection as he looked for items of clothing that were supposedly for me, but which he would wear.

I think women are put under a lot of pressure to accept relationships like this as being evidence of an open mind. Well, this relationship was a wholly negative experience for me. Even without the violence, I would have felt the self loathing and secret shame.

My advice to anyone in a similar situation would be to listen to your instincts and to put yourself first. Any behaviour that results in you feeling bad about yourself is abusive. If you are not comfortable then get out of the relationship because he will never, ever change.

No… That’s not the Right Word, Either

I didn’t say the right thing. I could see that. He had been watching me so intently, his mouth curved in a slight smile that I didn’t recognize. His head forward, face down a little, tilted, as if he was presenting his cheekbone to me. Looking, up, almost, at me from the corners of his eyes. His eyes.

It was a very generous gift, I said so. And added, with a smile of pride, enamored, that he had very good boyfriend skills. Imagine me, my smile said, with such a fine catch as you!

It wasn’t the right thing.

I made mental notes, and the next time I touched on how well his mother had reared him, to give such thoughtful and unique gifts. They were just perfect. Because, they were. And he knew it, his eyes glowed as he watched me unwrap.

But, it wasn’t his mother. That wasn’t the right thing. That, very much, was not the right thing, said the involuntary tightening at the corners of his lips. The deadening of his eyes.

On the next occasion, I could tell by the way his eyes roamed over the gifts, almost caressing them, that a great deal of thought had gone into his selections. That he had thought deeply of me, of what I wanted most, when he made his purchases. I complimented his memory and attention to detail. Both very compliment-worthy attributes, but no, not the right things. Not the right words.

As a class, the word is appropriation. Those males, tired of their self-compliance to gender socialization, who decide it must be easier to be a woman. Who decide they can be better women than they were men. They re-define and re-word and re-create and re-claim. They appropriate.

As an individual, the word is inhabitation. He doesn’t want to be like me. He wants to be me. He wants to occupy me, my life, who I am.

Those gifts, they were never for me. They were for him. For his inhabitation of me.

Response to ‘D’

Over the weekend I received a series of lengthy comments from ‘D’. They were mostly repetitive in nature and included large quotes from material I previously posted in https://outofmypantiesnow.wordpress.com/2013/07/09/they-are-out-there/ , a post dealing with sexual criminal behavior by crossdressers. In lieu of releasing the full comments (long, repetitive) I will be posting a general response to the overall points raised by ‘D’:

I agree, if I had not limited my online searches to crossdressers/transvestites, I would have certainly found either more than 100+ crimes in 2 hours or I would have found 100 in significantly less time. Crossdressers represent a small percentage of the overall population, 2-2.5%, so obviously there will be a lower number of sex crimes than the general male population.

You are right, crossdressing does not automatically lead to criminal sexual behavior, as defined by current laws. There is, however, both proven correlation and causation. Psychological material consistently reports the high incident of co-existing secondary parapillias of voyuerism, exhibitionism, advanced stage (sociopathic) narcissism and BSDM with both consensual and non-consensual partners. The same material also notes the need, on the part of the diagnosed, to escalate to higher and higher risk activity in order to satisfy their compulsions. This risk taking behavior is what leads to criminal sexual behavior. Psychological material also describes how repetitive practice of compulsive behavior reduces self-awareness of the antisocial aspects of the behavior, making it increasingly likely that the crossdresser will fail to see any harm in his escalating behavior and increasing his risk taking. Along the lines of the Internet porn addict justifying his behavior with “everybody does it” as he advances from cleavage shots to penetrative sex to BSDM acting to footage of actual rape.

The correlation of crossdressing with criminal sexual behavior is similar to that of an Internet search ‘accountant+malfeasance+financial fraud+charitable organizational bankruptcy’. The person in the best position to steal money from a charitable institution is the accountant who does all the bookkeeeping with little, if any, knowledgeable oversight. There is an inherent risk, so there is a natural correlation. Crossdressers are practicing a sexual arousal based compulsion which escalates over time. It will get worse, in one way or another.

Every crossdresser IS a pervert, that is the definition of paraphillias. I am not suggesting we take them out and hang them, I am acknowledging that they have a psychological disorder which needs support and treatment. I don’t support turning your back on someone in need when they are working to change. If you are eager to stop crossdressing and are willing to do the work needed to overcome this disorder, I applaud your wife and family for supporting your efforts.

The point I was making with my earlier post is not that sexual crimes are committed by people in general, but rather that some crossdressers DO escalate into sexually criminal behavior. Furthermore, that opening public accommodations specifically segregated for females to males, on the basis their their self-identification as “women”, will increase the prevalence of this sexually criminal behavior, from both crossdresser escalation as well as other sexual predators who will choose to use this loophole to further their agendas.

Crossdressers aren’t born, they create themselves, through repetitive practice of dopamine-reward behavior. People are born. Their biological sex is either female or male, and in the extremely rare occurrence, intersexed. Your birth sex is one of the previous. Gender is a socialization process. No one, regardless of their birth sex, is born with pre-evolved social stereotypes.

Your desire to be a feminine male is perfectly fine with me. You should feel free to wear all the pink g-strings, purple thongs and sheer lace that International Jock sells. You are welcome to wear pink striped seersucker suits in the summer and brilliant royal blue v-neck sweaters in the winter. Carry a murse. Throw on a colorful scarf. Slip into some red, sour apple green or aqua blue shoes http://www.wwd.com/footwear-news/fashion/mens-must-buy-bright-saddle-shoes-6325288 .

Your choice to insult me by caricaturing hyper-femininity and claiming that it makes you feel like a woman in not acceptable. It is blatant, sexist discrimination. It’s ridicule and misogyny. And the fact that you don’t see how this behavior insults and demeans women is exactly why it should be classified as a hate crime.

I know plenty of “men who are attentive, loyal, loving, caring, respectful, honest, etc.” They managed to develop these attributes without sexualizing women, that you cannot is the reason your behavior is classified as a psychological disorder.

I don’t care how much pain or distress my husband may have experienced during his life due to this disorder. Nor do I need to learn any more about Transvestism. The facts of this disease have not changed in a century and all contemporary research continues to support the sexual origins. My husband is a highly intelligent, well educated man with both the financial resources and social awareness to have addressed this before he ever met me. He chose not to change, but to continue to indulge himself.

He’s a pervert who insults women. I have self respect. GAME OVER

This is What’s Coming Next

http://gendertrender.wordpress.com/2012/10/07/olympia-wa-school-officials-state-gender-identity-provision-overrides-title-ix-equality-for-girls-swim-teams/

This is what’s coming… Pun intended. On our horizon at city, state and national levels, a multitude of laws and ordanances which will enable males to freely invade spaces and programs previously set aside for the safety and support of women.

Because its too late in Delaware http://www.onenewsnow.com/culture/2013/06/20/family-activist-questions-consequences-of-delaware-transgender-law

Shelters from Domestic Abuse and Homelessness will be open to men who “feel like a woman”. The population of homeless men (67%) far exceeds that of women, so on a cold winters night, who do you think will be shoving women out of line and beating them up in dark alleys in order to get in the women’s shelters? What woman who has ever suffered at the hands of an abusive man can feel safe in a “shelter” housing those men? The state of Maine says you’ll be fine. Just trust them. http://genderidentitywatch.com/2013/07/16/florence-house-maine-usa/

Massachusetts is planning to expand public accommodations for simple gender expression – restrooms, locker rooms, dressing rooms, hospital wards, women’s shelters, etc. http://www.sentinelandenterprise.com/news/ci_23639932/debate-continues-over-transgender-law Your best contact for making your views known is:
Rep. James J. Lyons, Jr
State House
Room 39
Boston, MA 02133

Phone:617-722-2014
Fax:617-626-0246

Email:James.Lyons@mahouse.gov

District Office:
12 High Vale Lane
Andover, MA 01810

http://www.leftfootforward.org/2013/07/we-have-won-same-sex-marriage-now-we-must-fight-for-trans-rights/ And also for polygamy rights and polyamorous rights so all “non-binary” loving multi-person groups can enjoy the rights and privileges of marriage too.

“It’s not just that you can go into the women’s room and just on a day say that you are a woman or a man, you actually have to have that gender identity.” Uh huh, and how do we determine that when you think gender is between your ears and not between your legs? http://www.wwlp.com/dpp/news/politics/state_politics/transgender-advocates-fighting-to-protect-publiic-accommodations

Atlanta hosts one of the largest transgender annual events in the nation. Thousands of men-in-dresses spend a week in Hot ‘Lanta, living it up as the pretty women they so delusionally believe themselves to be. Starting with “Princess Day” and ending with “The Prom” in the Ballroom. http://sccatl.org/content/main-conference-schedule/. This city code should keep them coming back for more, all year long! http://www.thegavoice.com/news/atlanta-news/6464-gender-identity-added-to-entire-non-discrimination-atlanta-code-sections Now, THAT’s Southern Comfort!

No matter what your school records reflect, medical records, how you live at home, any teenaged boy can use the girls locker room and bathroom just because he tells the school “I feel like a girl today”. He can also compete on girls sports teams and if girls don’t make the cut, too bad! http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2013/05/09/california-assembly-oks-transgender-student-accomodations/

At least someone is thinking about the women and children http://dot429.com/articles/1723-lawmaker-says-transgender-accomodations-ordinance-would-open-doors-to-pedophilia

But no, there goes the women’s sports teams at Montana State University http://www.montana.edu/news/12038/mt-board-of-regents-adds-sexual-orientation-gender-identity-to-non-discrimination-policy Self-identity protection has been added to existing sexual orientation policies. The leadership and team building skills which women develop from participating in sex-specific competitive teams can be invaluable in their career success. Women can only succeed when they develop the ambition and confidence to both collaborate and compete. Sports are a vital tool for overcoming the constant sexualization messages which bombard young women today. Learning that more confidence is gained from scoring a soccer goal than buying new and improved waterproof mascara is powerful knowledge – what you accomplish is more important than how you look. Varsity and intramural opportunities for Females will now be lost to Males. Women erased.

But of course they’re thinking about the women! After all, men-in-dresses are teaching “Women’s Studies” in New Hampshire. Or, are they!?!?!? http://gendertrender.wordpress.com/2013/03/11/transilience-joelle-ruby-ryan-university-of-new-hampshire-harassment-campaign-against-women-call-for-action/

Even the US Congress says it should be OK for anyone to dress and behave however they like on the job . http://transgenderlawcenter.org/archives/8603 You can be a Man on Monday, a Woman on Wednesday and whatever Freak or Furry you want on Fridays and a Navy SEAL on Saturdays! http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/06/04/seal-team-6-member-comes-out-as-transgender-warrior-princess/

I obviously am not drinking the right water these days. I was born female. I can look in the mirror and I can bend over and look between my legs and I can look at the chromosome test results and see that, yes, I am still female. I can bulk up at the gym, dress in elevator lift shoes and cut my face shaving, but I will still be a female. I can take synthetic hormones and get plastic surgery, but I will still be a female. Nothing can change that.

Maybe the problem is that I drink the water, not the Kool-Aid. Some realities are real, that’s why they’re called Reality.

Was it Rape or Is it Fraud?

It certainly wasn’t a lie.  Not “just a lie” in exactly the same way it isn’t “just clothes”.   At what point does not knowing enough to say NO! to some “thing” you abhor, some “thing” to which you would never knowingly agree, qualify as rape?  His perversion was not consensual.  His hateful, hurtful, insulting femulation was not consensual.  WE did not enter into this, together, as equals, out of shared choice.  My attorney can make a case for fraud, but it ultimately may cost more than any settlement I could receive.  It may cost me the assets which could be used to educate my children, to put a new roof over our heads when we escape.  I can forego recovery of damages and just lay claim to those assets.  Get screwed and take the money.  Prostitute myself.  It feels like rape.